Esoteric Verdant

Photo

Sat, 18 May 2013 14:21:17 -0400

77.

Thu, 16 May 2013 08:44:05 -0400

If money was no concern, what would you do for the rest of your life?

I’d go to school forever. It’s crazy how much I love being in university. I just can’t ever see it ending. Maybe that’s partially me being terrified of one day working and being responsible for things that aren’t just…did I hand in my paper on time. But I really love school and I love learning and I love being able to expand my knowledge every day. If I could be a full time student, I would.

But, realistically, I would feel the need to work at some point. I’m one of those sorts of people who struggle with purpose. If I am going to go to school for as long as I plan, and paying off my student debt (ugh.) wasn’t a concern, than I wouldn’t settle on a job in a city I didn’t absolutely adore. When I found a city that I’m compatible with, in a ridiculously pricey, downtown apartment, I’d just do whatever I wanted with my life. I’d have that “fuck you” money. It was in an interview with uhm…Lucy Lui I think? If that’s how you spell her name. Anyway, it’s backup money, so if you’re ever in a job you hate, you can just say “fuck you” and quit and be okay.

I’d travel too. Of course I would travel. I would travel on my own and go to all of the fancy operas and museums and eat in overpriced coffee shops and drink alcohol with every meal (and just not overdose each night) and then I would just start taking up odd jobs that looked interesting to me, like maybe for a month or two I’ll work in one of those donation book shops, and then the next I’ll fly off to Australia and live on the beach for a week.

Honestly, to sum it all up, if I didn’t need to worry about money and all of the life necessities that it buys, I’d be a useless thorn in society’s side, for as long as I could take it.

60.

Thu, 16 May 2013 06:33:07 -0400

What one thing do you need to do next?

THERE ARE SO MANY. AH.

Atm, the biggest thing is organizing. I need to organize my life. My uni schedule is a mess now, I need to fix that. My work schedule is getting to be ridiculous, and I need to have a talk with someone who will listen in regards to that. My bank accounts need help, apparently I need to start investing (like wut, I’m not ready to put money into the world in any way that is not coffee).

And then there’s my personal organization. Books I want to read, files I want to clean up, even my fucking room at this point needs organization. I just want a big cleanse, and that’s the major priority in my life.

67.

Thu, 16 May 2013 04:22:06 -0400

What have you given up, yet used to love?

That’s a really difficult one to think about. Hmm…

I have two answers to this, neither of which can fully commit to being suitable to respond to this question, but perhaps together can fill the gap.

Firstly, something tangible. I gave up, for the most part, my creative side, despite being in love with writing and drawing. I was obsessed as a child with creating my own little worlds, and being able to express these through whatever outlet I could find (I even did a song and dance. once. which we’ll not get into). But, with school and work and all of the stuff that seethes through the spaces in between, I had to make the decision to stop doing these things full time. I haven’t quite given up on it, not entirely. I still try to write, during the summer and whenever I need to escape the work and the school and the stuff in between, and I sketch if I can. But it’s so hard to commit your mental energy to stuff like that, when all you want to do after your prime goals are met, is veg out and watch five season of grey’s anatomy in one week ;)

Secondly, something more emotional, I have (really tried) to give up running away from my personal dramas. Whether that’s with people in my life or with myself, I make more conscious decisions to just fess up and stare down what makes me uncomfortable. Again, it isn’t like I do this all the time. I’m very weak willed, and I bend and occasionally break. But I simple adored running away from my problems for so very long. It’s a love affair I’m really sad to see go, but one that I can also objectively look upon as healthy.

22.

Thu, 16 May 2013 02:35:19 -0400

Do you always want the answer to ‘what are you thinking about’?

I don’t really believe in absolutes, just as a general rule. But typically?

Yeah, definitely. I do put some amount of thought into asking that question before I plunge into talking about it, in a serious context at least. I’ve been an immensely private person most of my life when it comes to how I’m feeling, and I’m so much more likely to make up some sort of white lie or semi-truth than admit to anyone what’s running through my head. I really dislike it when you open up to people and the answer and solution they present to you isn’t satisfactory (which, yes audience, is detestably silly but I can’t help it). It just makes me uncomfortable afterwards, that they now know something about me which, to begin with, likely put me on edge.

ANYWAY. The point here is that, since it’s so touchy for me to answer the question honestly, I think about it before I ask someone. And of course, I want to and am ready to hear an answer (if said person wants to divulge).

Gosh, that’s a really vague and difficult to understand answer, isn’t it?

rosalarian: Angelina Jolie had a double mastectomy, in case you...

Thu, 16 May 2013 02:11:08 -0400

rosalarian:

Angelina Jolie had a double mastectomy, in case you hadn’t heard. How dare she remove those ticking time bombs from her chest, amiright? Like, hasn’t she learned by now that her body is public domain and we all get to vote on what she does with it? Sheesh, how selfish can ya get.

a-need-to-express: damngruchy: hailthelordylordypicca: i wish someone loved me the way Jay Gatsby...

Thu, 16 May 2013 00:15:42 -0400

a-need-to-express:

damngruchy:

hailthelordylordypicca:

i wish someone loved me the way Jay Gatsby loves Daisy

NO YOU DON’T

Jay Gatsby doesn’t love. Jay Gatsby projects his fevered desires for wealth and attention on a young girl and objectifies her as another shiny toy to be acquired. He metaphorically consumes her and assimilates her into his own psyche.

You don’t want that shit, man.

Where were you when I had to write essay after essay on this?

12.

Wed, 15 May 2013 21:49:37 -0400

When did you last say thank you and sincerely mean it?

Ahah, as cheesy as it is, it was to my mom. I wrote her this corny (why are all of these words related to food?) and also incredibly heartfelt letter about how grateful I was that she was my mother. The letter, which to my cocky self seemed poetic at the time, went along the lines of thank you for a, and thank you for b, and thank you for c, all the way to thank you for z, z being that she was mother and she loved me and I loved her AND POINT BEING IT WAS SINCERE.

Also I didn’t actually say it out loud. Because I suck with saying cheesy, corny, other-food-related-y, things out loud. It still counts, right?

5.

Wed, 15 May 2013 19:38:38 -0400

Who did you last gossip about, how do you feel about it now?

When I was young (er. younger than I am) I always hated gossip. It led to rumors which led to insecurity and a lot of misinformation, and ultimately I was convinced it led to confrontation and I cannot do confrontation.

Of course, as I grew up, I recognized I had a lot of chatty, gossipy friends. Nothing bad really, and definitely harmless. Until some of my chatty, gossipy friends became friends with one another. And I was friends with all of them.

Ultimately, I made a promise to myself a little while back. Gossip is okay. Because in it’s purest form (ALL HAIL THE HOLY GOSSIP AS IT HAS BEEN PURIFIEEEEEEEEEED) (it’s getting to be a long night sorry not sorry) it’s just a way of sharing your life and what’s going on in your life. And yes, at some point, that’s going to involve other people, and yes, you may very well know these people your friends are gossiping about.

So gossip without ill intentions? Fine, okay. But the promise I made was merely to listen and to give feedback, but to not add my own fuel to the fire. Because whatever I knew, it was mine to know. Meaning that perhaps, what I knew, was said in confidence. And it isn’t my place to potentially break that confidence by sharing it because it has some relevance to whatever else is being said. Unless I am personally involved in said gossip, I don’t want to be letting it out to other people.

That’s just me. My point being, this is how I feel about my last gossip, and so no, I can’t say who it was about :)

20.

Wed, 15 May 2013 17:27:44 -0400

Where would you like to take a road trip?

Before this month, I would’ve said anywhere. I’m still pretty fond of that option. But I just went on a road trip with some friends down to the coast, and y’know, rather than asking where I want to go, it’s who I would want to go with.

If I had the choice, I’d never take myself along.

Who doesn’t like a good roadtrip though! If I disregarded money, I’d travel to the states and go through each one. Otherwise, I’d love to drive east to west in ma homeland, Canehda! Too bad I don’t live on either coast. I do live in North America though, and before I go anywhere exotic I think it’s important (and fun!) to first go to as many places here as I can. And as they say, it isn’t the destination that matters, but the journey.

Corney, hey? HAH WAIT. Corney, eh?

83.

Wed, 15 May 2013 15:16:49 -0400

Is tomorrow really another day?

*giggle* These are getting to be silly.

The “tomorrow” that I’m answering this for is May 15th, 2013. At approximately two am I will have been alive for twenty years (or two pm honestly, I can’t remember).

But yes. It is just another day. The whole birthday shenanigan is for the sake of fun and self-reflection, but it makes no difference to me if I am 19.999 or 20.

Next year though, it’ll be much different!?

6.

Wed, 15 May 2013 13:05:44 -0400

What promises have you never carried through for yourself?

Probably this one, where I answer all of these questions to a venue of mostly strangers and some not-so-strangers (but still strange people).

But if I was to be generic, probably promises centering around control. Where if I exert x amount of control for a certain amount of time, I can reward myself in some way. I always seem to be breaking and broken before I have even approached x.

Does that count as math related humor?

29.

Wed, 15 May 2013 10:55:33 -0400

Do you practice self love, or self loathing?

HAH. Loaded question right?

Self loathing. I mean, there’s really no doubt about it. I tried, for a brief window of time, to practice self love. What a load of bull.

(There’s an obligatory message here that I am very serious about - don’t take what I write as something you should follow. I understand that self loathing is unhealthy and self love should be practiced. These are just my own personal crises with them).

This is one of the things I am working on though. To stop that nagging voice of anxiety and utter despise that runs through my head and digs into my body. Maybe it will take a while to stop that voice, that one that sounds so much like my own, and to start talking to myself in a kinder way. But, for the moment, I know that I loathe myself. I’m really well aware of it.

Maybe it’ll be weird, to look back on this attitude, one day. It’s weird to live with it and still want to be successful.

It comes in waves. Some days it’s a muted voice. I know that I want to do well and that there are certain things in my life that I need to accomplish to have this mind set. And that’s okay. Goals are okay. I get really good at working towards these goals and hitting most of them, and coping with the ones I miss. I imagine this is how normal people function.

Other days it’s a loud, screaming voice and I’ve failed too many times in a row. I can still function and smile and be okay, but it’s just a way of getting by. I can’t actually accomplish anything. And besides the loathing, I don’t really care about much.

In the future, even the metaphorical one (is that the right way to put this?) that I start tomorrow, I want to begin working on this. To start with the cessation of pretending to be okay when I’m not. And to eventually get to the point where my self confidence is enough to bring me out of the spiral of failure that I know I impart upon myself.

So, future me, what’ll it be? Do you practice self loathing, or self love?

8.

Wed, 15 May 2013 08:44:08 -0400

Have you ever expected ‘love in return’? Did you get it?

Let’s begin with how I actually read this.

“Have you ever experienced ‘love in return’? Did you get it?”

Sort of confusing and repetitive, right? So I googled it. Of course I googled it. And this is what I found.

“If you wanna get x4

If you wanna get x4

If you wanna get to know me x4

If you wanna get to know me x4

If you wanna get to know me,
Then you gotta show me,
Can you be there for me?
Are you strong enough?
Can you be my friend,
Till the very end?
When I give you love,
Will you give me love in return?”

And this

Yeah, a little confusing.

As for the actual question, no. I haven’t been in love yet. In order to get love in return, I feel like the prerequisite is to first be in love, no?

63.

Wed, 15 May 2013 06:33:04 -0400

Are you playing games with yourself, where the rules are preventing you from reaching your goals?

Yeah, perhaps. In a vague answer, it’s like this. You have this goal you need to reach, some decorum of control you want to exert. But the rules are limiting because you don’t build up properly to the highest step. You want to start off with perfection, and you can’t. So you fail. In that sense, yes, I have rules that limit my success.

The you, in case it isn’t clear, is my way of referring to me. Or perhaps you?

61.

Wed, 15 May 2013 04:22:04 -0400

What life legacy are you leaving?

Okay, so this on is a bit harder to answer. Due to ambiguity really.

Life legacy being what? I’m going to go with…how my life is and will affect others.

There isn’t a lot yet. I’m still (fairly!) young. I’ve left my impact on my family, those fuckers will never be able to forget my sorry face (yes, in case you were wondering, I do still live at home).

I don’t plan on leaving a huge life legacy anyway, in terms of people. I don’t want kids, I don’t really think I will ever want kids. And as for a partner…well, I’m not super focused on that now and I don’t think it’s a thing I’ll go searching for if I can’t find it. I plan on leaving some kick ass job life legacy. I’ll go down as being that sad old lady who only has work in the end.

But honestly. Except for the way I interact with people, I haven’t left a hell of a lot. This is something to hold onto, I think, and to mull over. Do I want to leave a life legacy? What kind, and what do I want it to say about me?

Photo

Wed, 15 May 2013 03:15:25 -0400

23.

Wed, 15 May 2013 02:11:13 -0400

How are things going for you, now?

So I guess this is a pretty great one to start with.

Things are going, as they tend to do. It’s odd, some days, to see how fast things go. I’ve been out of school (the never-ending school) for almost a month now, and out of high school for two years. I’ve been at my job (my first ever real person job!!) for two years as well (gosh!). I’ve been legally able to vote for almost two years now (lets face it, two years).

Eighteen was a big year for me, okay?

But there are things that seem to stay very stagnant now matter how steadily time goes. I still haven’t faced the problems with myself that I had when I was a kid. I’m still terribly insecure (although I feel more often these days that so is everyone else) and unable to cope with that. Or unwilling to look my self loathing in the eye and tell it to back the fuck down.

I do lead a good life though, if you ignore the ongoing internal issues. I go to a great school and I get good grades. I want to try hard and get good grades, and more than ever it’s this desire to excel for myself that I’m grateful for. I have good friends, friends who are kind and sweet and friends who are honest and friends who are willing to listen to me when I need to be heard, and willing to back down when I need to wallow. I have an absolutely fabulous family, who, now that I think about it, have been getting along really well lately. There are no more fights and not a lot of screaming. And there’s always a lot of love and support in my life. Sometimes I feel like it’s too much good stuff and my inability to utilize this prosperity swallows me whole. But, if you have to have problems, I’m happy that these are mine to deal with.

So, nineteen year old self concurs, things are going pretty good.

another one of those questionnaires

Wed, 15 May 2013 01:10:00 -0400

Okay, so I know these can border on annoying, or even just a waste of time to go through, so I’m going to start this little text post with a statement.

I am not posting these questions for anyone but myself.

I turn 20 (yikes!) in an hour. Less than an hour. It’s kind of crazy and exciting (and yes, also kind of meaningless) but it’s got me thinking that maybe I’ll spend this last hour of my teenage life doing something other than mindlessly flipping through pages of tumblr, or manga, or watching what could very well be considered an unhealthy amount of tv.

Not that this site would judge me for any of that.

Anyway. All I’m doing is posting these questions (under the “read more” link) in case anyone does want to ask them, or wants the answer to one sooner rather than later. I think I’ll try an answer them all tonight. A way to see where I am in these final hours (hour. less than an hour even. again, yikes). But mostly because I feel like the only reason people post these, and I am just one person, so I am likely wrong, is because they want to answer them. So that’s all I’m doing. I’m answering them (not all at once, don’t worry, I’ll queue the answers or something!)

SO. There’s that. These questions do actually seem interesting (to me at least) so feel free to steal it! I nicked it off of the embedded link :)

Also, I’ll leave it as a possibility to answer these questions that I publish. If you too want to simply answer a question, and to have more of yourself out there in the world, please do leave the answer for me.

1. If you woke up tomorrow with no fear, what would you do first?

2. What was your biggest worry five years ago, do you still feel the same about it at this minute?

3. What advice would you give the ‘5 year old you’?

4. Can you picture the child you once were, what were they really good at?

5. Who did you last gossip about, how do you feel about it now?

6. What promises have you never carried through for yourself?

7. If you could change one law of your country, what would it be?

8. Have you ever expected ‘love in return’? Did you get it?

9. Do you play to work, or work to play?

10. When did you last laugh so much, it hurt?

11. What’s the most marvellous thing you have ever seen with your own eyes?

12. When did you last say thank you and sincerely mean it?